you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
