If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
