im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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