you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
not ubering you a puppy
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
im on a boat
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