So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
