420 ftw
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Im part way to drunk.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
