I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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