Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
