does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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