to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
