Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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