Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
