woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
