Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
