You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
