making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
