who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
