I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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