If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
