Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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