it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
