For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
