The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
