Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
