do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
