I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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