i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
