Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
