I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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