I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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