That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
