I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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