I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
