my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
