I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
So many bounce houses so little time
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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