Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
