Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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