Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
