he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
where are you?
Hypothermia
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
