the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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