i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
