??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
