My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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