After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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