rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
