Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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