your room smells of hookers.
And success
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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