Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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