i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
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How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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