Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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