i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
