I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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