i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
