I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
