his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
