why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
