i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
