I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
