I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Farmville is her only friend.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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